I like pretending that I don’t care, that I don’t think about you every waking moment of every day. It makes the truth of reality a little less painful to accept, the fact that I never cross your thoughts.   

But it’s hard to play pretend.

Maybe once, it was easier, back in the summer when we’d spend hours laying in the hot sand, talking about nothing and talking about everything. Back then I could convince myself that maybe you felt something towards me, that maybe those brushes of your fingertips against mine weren’t accidental, or that when your gaze drifted towards my mouth, you maybe thought about how it would feel pressed against yours.

But I know the truth, now, the truth that those were just accidental glances, that I had imagined feelings between us that weren’t really there. 

Because we have to be honest; how could you, you with the impossible eyes and independent spirit and all of your perfect, wonderful flaws, love someone like me? Me, the quiet, ever-so-apologetic and clingy little girl?

But I need you. Living in my bones, coursing through my veins, moving through my bloodstream and pulsing with my heart; but you, you are unaware of it all, blissfully oblivious to my wants and desire and this throbbing need. To hold your hand would be the greatest gift, and to let my fingers whisper across your skin, like fingers gliding over lines on a map—even if only for a moment—would be better than the world, and all the galaxies beyond it.  

Oh, I long for you. I long for you to want me, to need me like I need you. I crave for you in ways you can’t possibly understand, in a depth you cannot comprehend. I can only wish for it, for you, in whispered prayers, imagining one day they might be answered.  

It’s hard to play pretend.

Perhaps this is poorly written, or maybe the prose isn’t all that great, or you didn’t feel the same emotions behind my words as I did, but this felt amazing to write. I went for a long run today and when I came back I just… I had to write this down. There’s really nothing quite as satisfying as being so locked into a moment that nothing can distract you, that the only thing in the room is you and your thoughts and your empty pages and the words that fill it. That’s how I felt when I wrote this. 

  1. amovingtarget reblogged this from engagemachine and added:
    this is perfection
  2. lglorien said: Shut up, you. This is amazing! The prose is flawless and the emotions you captured are so strong that they really hit me. Especially the paragraph that starts with “But I need you” is absolutely beautiful.
  3. charliestokers said: if you go through a ‘writing crisis’ again I’mma slap you in the face because this is one of the best things I’ve read in a long time; OR, feel free to have more ‘writing crises’ if this is the final result ;) BRILLIANT.
  4. charliestokers reblogged this from engagemachine
  5. annalightwood reblogged this from engagemachine
  6. annalightwood said: I have no words. Seriously, I don’t know what to say. This is heartbreaking and so, so poignant and wonderful. Hang on, let me go look up some more adjectives so I can continue my list describing how stunning this is.
  7. bluebirdsandink said: This is wonderful. You never cease to amaze me, hon. Never stop!
  8. chuckhansen said: HALEY. THAT WAS JUST…AMAZING
  9. thelaughingdragon reblogged this from engagemachine
  10. greatjackwhiteshark reblogged this from engagemachine
  11. greatjackwhiteshark said: oh my god this is beautiful! i especially liked the way you described the other person in the relationship, like it wasn’t a physical description or anything, but it was from the narrator’s POV so it was like that person was godly. beautiful!
  12. engagemachine posted this